Sometimes, You Just Gotta Say It (a post about me me me me)

[paragraphs]

I am awesome. Or was. Am trying to be so again, and today I got a little boost in the right direction and how sweet that was. I got up this morning before 6 a.m., all refreshed and ready to work again after spending most of yesterday being super-productive, working on a rewrite of what I hope will be my next book for Loose Id. amproof had popped me an email overnight which linked me to an article she had just found about m/m romance and lo and behold, my dear old book A Red-Tainted Silence was on the list.

Here's the link (scroll down for Red): Reviews by JesseWave

I've been really lucky over the years since Red (or ARTS as some readers call it) to get mostly very positive reviews of this book. Of those positive reviews, a terrifying number of them have been of the best kinds of reviews an author can possibly get, of the 'never have I seen such an amazing book,ever' variety. I've also received incredible emails from readers (which I've all saved of course!), some so damn moving I've been left stunned. I love it when I get new ones, especially lately as I try to hammer this current fic into salable format. The little bursts of shiny-happy make me bounce.

They are also a bit daunting, though. The follow-up jitters, the fear that whatever I publish next in this genre can in no way measure up to Red, has been terrorizing me for years. How could it not? Red was written with everything I had, during a super-hard time of my life, was my sanity, was more Me than the person ghosting around in real life and I poured everything I knew at the time into it. That time of my life was just very sucky indeed (the years my spouse was suffering from the heart problems that eventually killed him. Oh good times, yeah.). Writing Red is how I survived all that and yeah, the result was phenomenal. No way can I do that again.

For a long time, that knowledge (and because, quite frankly, I was having too much fun and had too much to do in real life after I became widowed to even want to write. And I'd met Nick, and I got happy...) kept me from writing. I stabbed at it now and then but the fears of failure smacked down and I did other stuff.

In reading this article today, I realized that that fear has somehow, for some reason, dissipated. I know that no other book could be like Red, but now I actually believe it, and that that is okay. I love the story I am working on now, and ballet boy is waiting in the wings too. Instead of feeling like a has-been reading this article, instead it was all I could do to keep from replying I AM HERE! I AM ALIVE! I AM WRITING! REWRITING! YES!!! LOVE ME!!!

LOL. That would be stupid. Instead, I'll just get back to the rewrite and get this thing turned in. There are no guarantees Loose Id will buy it, but Red is such a nice little money-maker even after all these years, that I think they will. I won't let it go until I am absolutely positive I won't hide under the bed when reviews come out though...

Funny thing though, I started rereading it this week after talking to kel_reiley about writing original fiction and I can see how far my tastes have changed. I would write the characters so differently now--stronger, more masculine. Ah well, that's the way it goes.

Sometimes I envy my fanfiction friends' their regular comments, the constant praise they get, so it is so nice every once in awhile to get something like this in my in box. Makes me feel like a writer too, even a good one, for a little while, instead of just the ghostly figure who floats behind Nick.

Back to work! Heck I haven't even reported on Armadillocon yet! I am doing Nano, too--torn between a few different things. Decisions decisions!

Comments

[thaddeusfavour.livejournal.com]

Past success can be daunting. Even small successes can make it scary to start new things. It's great that you're ready to go back into it again. Congratulations! :D

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

Thanks you! And why are you in your hotel room? Are you attending any of the writerly panels there? I found really good ones the one time I went to Dragon*Con. Say hi to all for me!

[aseas-words.livejournal.com]

I haven't commented on one of your posts in a while; just wanted to say Hi and that I always enjoy your writing. :-)

[alba17.livejournal.com]

I'm going to buy your book (is it still available?) and I've bookmarked that review site. So glad you're feeling excited about writing! I certainly don't think of you as a "ghostly figure," lol.

[candesgirl.livejournal.com]

It is infectious, your enthusiasm. It's one of my favorite things about you :) (And thanks for the reminder, I am going to READ your book TODAY!)

[pir8fancier.livejournal.com]

I think it's impossible to articulate that soul-destroying fear that a suppose is a form of writer's block, but in its genesis is quite different. I started writing at a horrible time in my life. When it was write or fall into something to dark to name. And while it saved me, it also paralyzed me. It's take a while to come out of it. I feel the same way reborn and brimming with ideas.

[neifile7.livejournal.com]

Hey. This weekend is bringing it home: fanfic response is nice, but writing something that people can go on discovering years later is even better. Be proud, gf; we're all proud for ya. That's also a lovely, lovely review; glad it made you feel more alive as a writer.

So yes yes yes for all you're doing to keep your writing going! ::waves pompons::

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

Yay! You did it once, you can do it again!

[lovedlea.livejournal.com]

I haven't read your stuff, but you're a lovely person and I have complete confidence in you :) Fanfic is fun, but there's nothing like getting positive reviews on your original stuff.

[spiderine.livejournal.com]

You are awesome! I am happy to remind you whenever you forget. *hugs*

[fictional-one.livejournal.com]

Yes, you are indeed awesome in your awesome, awesomeness! Love ya, Snookums!

[heleninwales.livejournal.com]

Good luck with the new book!

Isn't the brain marvellous at sabotaging itself? We can get writer's block both from being unsuccesful and being successful! :)

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

HI!! You had a busy summer... I see you wrote today. I'll check it out later. LOL I should write more posts--actually, probably will another tomorrow. Gearing up for Nano, and just went to a really good fantasy con last weekend.

Are you back to teaching again?

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

Yes, it is still out there, is even on Amazon and B&N now (which has been rather sweet--my leetle checks have been going up lol).

LOL! I haunt the edges of fandom quite well. LOL. Love it here. :)

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

500 pages? LOL. You are awesome. LOL you made me cry today and now you make me smile. :)

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

Yes yes yes! For me, writing became my escape, my way of coping--long before the spouse got sick. It also became a source of contention. :*(

After life changed, and Nick and I got together (how heavenly is it to be with someone who loves writing!), I kinda stopped writing. LOL I was too busy doing fun things! And taking care of me. Had alot of false-starts, but after finally, FINALLY meeting a really good group of people locally...they've made a huge difference.

Am glad you are getting back on your feet too.

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

Fanfic response is awesome. I live vicariously through Nick, I really do. I discovered ages ago I am a really rotten fanfic writer--I understand now why writing fanfic is fun and powerful even, but lol I can't do it easily, and can't compare to Nick. I can't write short fiction well, either, so pretty much have given up on that, but am super-happy to be Nick's first reader person. I have the original fiction again though--lotsa years of not even having that, nearly quitting writing (all but had, really). I've got this that I'm working on now, and know the direction I want to go with fantasy, so a really happy with things right now. Sigh, it takes alot of patience though! Lots and lots. I just try not to do the 'omg, I wasted the last four years!' thing. Four years of not writing seriously! Sigh Bummer.

Can't wait to hear more about what you have learned and experienced! I loved the panels when I went to Dragon*Con ages ago. I really would love to go to next year's.

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

My confidence grows... :) I so can't wait to get started on the fantasy next--FINALLY! It's been a long time coming. LOL.

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

You being one of the amazing local peeps, THANK YOU! Y'all inspire me more than I can believe. :)

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

You are awesome too. :)

[lovedlea.livejournal.com]

ditto <3

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

oh you. How's it going up there? :)

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

YES it is HORRIBLE! Mean mean brains. LOL. I've had enough of mine messing with me.

[fictional-one.livejournal.com]

COLD! LOL. I will be starting a job soon. Temp work, but it will do until I find something permanent. Lucy has made the adjustment fairly well. At least she hasn't eaten any of the rat dogs here.

[aseas-words.livejournal.com]

First day of school was today!

Yeah, my summer was really busy. It's kind of nice to get back to a normal schedule again, even though that means working a lot.

What are you thinking about doing for NaNo? I'm trying to hammer together the research I need to be ready for mine.

What did you learn at the fantasy con?

[kel-reiley.livejournal.com]

WHEE! i will have to buy your famous book one of these days (when i actually have money) and i think i figured out my orig fic problem! i'm going to go at this hard starting now!

(lol, also, i now i have this image in my head of you covered in white powder and rattling chains behind nick while he types at his computer!)

[klgrem.livejournal.com]

Short but very appropriate review. Congratulations again.