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In 2008 I want to stop this, my tendency to get overwhelmed, to find myself caught up with so much that I can't breathe.
Usually, I am fine with the responsibilities I have, with everything I have going on. But things are changing here, the feelings inside of me. How to explain it? So it makes sense?
The easiest way is to say what is driving me into a crying fit today, and making everything seem so... I need another word for 'overwhelming.'
Insurmountable? Neverending? Crushing?
For just one weekend, one day, even just a few hours everyday I wish I wasn't doing something I had to be doing. Whether it is driving to work, taking care of the house (so much needs to be done I could cry), of bills, laundry, cleaning, working itself, taking care of my MIL, dealing with the wreck of my kids' dad's family. All these things line up, one after the other--and more besides--preventing me from doing what I want. And what is that? Believe it or not, write.
I am finally at the point in the research and the decision-making and the planning and considering where I can begin ____ at last (egads I need a working title so bad) and I feel I am about to explode. I haven't felt like this in YEARS...the oh here we go again with that word, overwhelming, absolute need to write. To block out everything around me, everyone, and close the door to the world. To exist only with my characters, to bring them to life as only I can.
But I am such a slave to my job, to my responsibilities, that I can't do this like I need, want, MUST. There is only me, alot needs to be done just in general in my life, and it is getting to me. Badly.
The thing that makes me sick is in order to find time to keep from exploding, I have to put aside those things that are otherwise keeping me sane. I quit VOICES. There is no way I can do that anymore. I am pretty much having to write only one character at the moment with Seaside, and even then, I can't give of myself enough to make it fun. I can't play with others like I'd like. I can't know others--you guys--like I'd like to, ache to even. I simply don't have the time to work at being friends with anyone.
I am seeing how reading for pleasure is going to have to be relegated to lunchtime only--there is no real time at night. Everyone knows to write one must read and read and read some more. I have a great list for 2008, but wonder when I'll read it. I started Inkheart what about four days ago? I've only managed to find time to read... 107 pages.
Ahh flist, I suck at so much right now. Nick says I should make a list, and figure out what can and cannot wait. (ten minutes later...now that I've written it, I am not sure any of it can wait)
So, here goes:
Laundry -- (have no less than probably ten loads to do--I kid you not)
My room -- carpet needs shampooing, laundry put away, bed stuff washed, really need to get rid of the oopsy splotches on the ceiling
Tree -- still up and it may stay that way since it is artificial, hey it is pretty, got Cowboy colors on it again this year
Kitchen -- every dish and glass is dirty--been lots of kids in the house
Outside front -- bushes need to be cut back, garden cleaned out -- my house looks like crap on the outside and it is embarrassing. At least Kelly raked all the leaves.
Backyard -- need to finish putting the logs around the perimeter so huskies don't escape
Garage -- needs reorganizing so I put more stuff in it to get rid of -- another dumpster probably will be needed. There is so much accumulated crap in this house thanks to the spouse (STILL!) I could scream. The attic is full even. Oh my gosh I wish I could just buy another place, move what I want over there, and LEAVE the rest behind. That would be heaven.
Carpets -- need to be shampood and yes, they really really do -- Maddox's puppyhood was well tough on them, dammit. No more puppies ever.
Aquarium -- needs cleaning out and new fish put in, I miss them (this is the little aquarium)
Cars -- got TWO cars in the shop right now, yup I do
Bills -- pay bills all of which seem to be in increments of three hundred dollars, organize spreadsheet so I don't go broke, I owe too much on one credit card and have cut it up and it needs paying off badly, but at least that is the only one I have like that the others having zero balances, hey
Fence -- north side needs replacing, neighbor won't help, will cost me around 350 bucks to do it myself w/help from friend Robert.
Money for school -- need to get loan #2 for Tiff, which goes on my credit btw so now it looks like I have huge debt and because of that am terrified I can't get a loan for Kelly's car
Car for Kelly -- ha ha ha, by his birthday in Feb. HAS to have it before N comes
Kelly's room -- needs painting, he has all his furniture in the garage and it has been there for two months, waiting on ME to get that room painted. I am a rotten mother to him, he is so damn patient.
Toilets -- I have two broken toilets. Good thing there are three in the house
Upstairs bathroom -- needs painting and refinishing so kids can use IT while N is here. It has been out of commission for months cuz I just don't know how to find time to deal with it.
Downstairs bathroom (little) -- still hasn't been painted, still hasn't got the baseboards put in (heck neither does the upstairs), toilet broken--what a loser am I huh that I can't even fix a toilet
Downstairs bathroom (big) -- bathtub needs recaulking. N likes baths and yes by golly I am going to fix it before he gets here
Kitchen -- dishwasher is dying, stuff needs reorganizing cuz heck *I* can't find anything in there
Then there is general cooking and shopping to do, errands to do with the son when he needs them, daughter to contend with, MIL to deal with, dogs to play with (but they make me laugh, you know) and all that comes down to trying to find the time that I can justify spending writing. There is just too much to do.
Oh, and a speeding ticket to pay, too, that is nice.
Hell I've gained ten lbs. too in the last two months, and I think I threw away one of my good tennis shoes. I just rejoined the YMCA and IF I do NOT start to make time for that too, I will end up a fat moo cow again, and will actually look 45 years old again. I cannot, and WILL not let that happen. No way.
Can I stop now?
I am going home.
Usually, I am fine with the responsibilities I have, with everything I have going on. But things are changing here, the feelings inside of me. How to explain it? So it makes sense?
The easiest way is to say what is driving me into a crying fit today, and making everything seem so... I need another word for 'overwhelming.'
Insurmountable? Neverending? Crushing?
For just one weekend, one day, even just a few hours everyday I wish I wasn't doing something I had to be doing. Whether it is driving to work, taking care of the house (so much needs to be done I could cry), of bills, laundry, cleaning, working itself, taking care of my MIL, dealing with the wreck of my kids' dad's family. All these things line up, one after the other--and more besides--preventing me from doing what I want. And what is that? Believe it or not, write.
I am finally at the point in the research and the decision-making and the planning and considering where I can begin ____ at last (egads I need a working title so bad) and I feel I am about to explode. I haven't felt like this in YEARS...the oh here we go again with that word, overwhelming, absolute need to write. To block out everything around me, everyone, and close the door to the world. To exist only with my characters, to bring them to life as only I can.
But I am such a slave to my job, to my responsibilities, that I can't do this like I need, want, MUST. There is only me, alot needs to be done just in general in my life, and it is getting to me. Badly.
The thing that makes me sick is in order to find time to keep from exploding, I have to put aside those things that are otherwise keeping me sane. I quit VOICES. There is no way I can do that anymore. I am pretty much having to write only one character at the moment with Seaside, and even then, I can't give of myself enough to make it fun. I can't play with others like I'd like. I can't know others--you guys--like I'd like to, ache to even. I simply don't have the time to work at being friends with anyone.
I am seeing how reading for pleasure is going to have to be relegated to lunchtime only--there is no real time at night. Everyone knows to write one must read and read and read some more. I have a great list for 2008, but wonder when I'll read it. I started Inkheart what about four days ago? I've only managed to find time to read... 107 pages.
Ahh flist, I suck at so much right now. Nick says I should make a list, and figure out what can and cannot wait. (ten minutes later...now that I've written it, I am not sure any of it can wait)
So, here goes:
Laundry -- (have no less than probably ten loads to do--I kid you not)
My room -- carpet needs shampooing, laundry put away, bed stuff washed, really need to get rid of the oopsy splotches on the ceiling
Tree -- still up and it may stay that way since it is artificial, hey it is pretty, got Cowboy colors on it again this year
Kitchen -- every dish and glass is dirty--been lots of kids in the house
Outside front -- bushes need to be cut back, garden cleaned out -- my house looks like crap on the outside and it is embarrassing. At least Kelly raked all the leaves.
Backyard -- need to finish putting the logs around the perimeter so huskies don't escape
Garage -- needs reorganizing so I put more stuff in it to get rid of -- another dumpster probably will be needed. There is so much accumulated crap in this house thanks to the spouse (STILL!) I could scream. The attic is full even. Oh my gosh I wish I could just buy another place, move what I want over there, and LEAVE the rest behind. That would be heaven.
Carpets -- need to be shampood and yes, they really really do -- Maddox's puppyhood was well tough on them, dammit. No more puppies ever.
Aquarium -- needs cleaning out and new fish put in, I miss them (this is the little aquarium)
Cars -- got TWO cars in the shop right now, yup I do
Bills -- pay bills all of which seem to be in increments of three hundred dollars, organize spreadsheet so I don't go broke, I owe too much on one credit card and have cut it up and it needs paying off badly, but at least that is the only one I have like that the others having zero balances, hey
Fence -- north side needs replacing, neighbor won't help, will cost me around 350 bucks to do it myself w/help from friend Robert.
Money for school -- need to get loan #2 for Tiff, which goes on my credit btw so now it looks like I have huge debt and because of that am terrified I can't get a loan for Kelly's car
Car for Kelly -- ha ha ha, by his birthday in Feb. HAS to have it before N comes
Kelly's room -- needs painting, he has all his furniture in the garage and it has been there for two months, waiting on ME to get that room painted. I am a rotten mother to him, he is so damn patient.
Toilets -- I have two broken toilets. Good thing there are three in the house
Upstairs bathroom -- needs painting and refinishing so kids can use IT while N is here. It has been out of commission for months cuz I just don't know how to find time to deal with it.
Downstairs bathroom (little) -- still hasn't been painted, still hasn't got the baseboards put in (heck neither does the upstairs), toilet broken--what a loser am I huh that I can't even fix a toilet
Downstairs bathroom (big) -- bathtub needs recaulking. N likes baths and yes by golly I am going to fix it before he gets here
Kitchen -- dishwasher is dying, stuff needs reorganizing cuz heck *I* can't find anything in there
Then there is general cooking and shopping to do, errands to do with the son when he needs them, daughter to contend with, MIL to deal with, dogs to play with (but they make me laugh, you know) and all that comes down to trying to find the time that I can justify spending writing. There is just too much to do.
Oh, and a speeding ticket to pay, too, that is nice.
Hell I've gained ten lbs. too in the last two months, and I think I threw away one of my good tennis shoes. I just rejoined the YMCA and IF I do NOT start to make time for that too, I will end up a fat moo cow again, and will actually look 45 years old again. I cannot, and WILL not let that happen. No way.
Can I stop now?
I am going home.
