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This morning, a Brit friend of mine dropped an email to me letting me know that my book with Loose-Id had been reviewed by a blogger: Well Read.
And also here, a site that apparently is considered one of THE review sites for m/m fiction: A Red-Tainted Silence
Ever since writing this book, I've ridden a bit of a writing and emotional roller-coaster. It came out several years ago, not long after my spouse died. It was written during the very tough year following his surgery (he lived just shy of three years after that), was written with a small group of people in mind and, above all, for myself. For the nine months it took to write it, it was my sanity--literally. Writing Red was the only true escape I had from dealing with a partner who had what came down to be a terminal illness. (I don't want to say more about that time--reliving everything is something I have no wish to do and don't need to).
It is an odd book. First person and NOT exclusive to one POV (though the 2nd pov was not picked up until the day I realized damn, I wrote myself into a situation my point-of-view character couldn't extricate himself from because, um, he was unconscious).
It has two time lines, and alternates between the two. There are alot of characters, and it is about 500 pages long in the final form. Was longer. I also had no real gameplan, no idea what I was doing with it, what it was even about until partway through and if ever a book was written by seat-of-the pants, this was it. It is emotional (overly so) and angsty as hell (given my state of mind at the time, not surprising!), but it has, over and over again, struck chords with readers, with reviewers, and still sells well. (I'm sure to see a nice influx in sales again after this, my Brit friend warned).
The ride has been absolutely fantastic. My love for this book runs very, very deep, I put everything I had into this, and I love that that is recognized, and continues to be recognized, three years later.
But it is also difficult for me, too.
After reading the review, I've been lost in thought. I almost wish I hadn't read it, had remained oblivious to its existence no matter how awesome it is, because after finally finding my feet back on the ground and writing again (with a spin-off to this book), I've hopped right back onto that roller coaster that insists on dipping dramatically into the valleys of fear and inadequacy even as I am zooming atop a new high over the book's new attention.
How the hell am I ever going to make my new book half as successful? I probably won't be able to. I know I won't be able to. I am no longer emotionally-starved, overwhelmed and exhausted, no longer living on the edge of life or death of my world--all those things I poured into writing Red.
In other words, I am happy, healthy, well-loved, okay a little overwhelmed but what single parent isn't?, and well-loved (yes I said that twice), and as a result, though I haven't written much since Red, I am very much NOT the person who wrote that book.
THANK THE MOON AND STARS!
In terms of ebooks, and more specifically m/m fiction, I have written a book that is a continual good seller (hesitate to say best-seller). It does really really well, and will continue to do so, it looks like. Reading all these comments, I feel very distant from the person who wrote that book. No, I *am* distant. So, the expectations expressed for 'Carolyn Gray's next book' have knocked me off my feet. Again. I'm starting to question whether writing a spin-off was a good idea, whether writing anything else under the pseudonym Carolyn Gray is a good idea. (I know, I know, it is silly...but is it?)
It's just a strange, strange position to be in, to know that the best book you've written (for this genre) is already written. I know I won't be able to top this book, and that will disappoint a lot of readers who love the first one. And yes, it is VERY weird to be writing this. "It's just m/m fiction, not anything amazing, or important or anything." Sure that is true, I know it is true, but to those who read it (oh the fan letters I get!) it has proven to be very important.
Not sure what the answer is, though far greater writers than me have pondered the question: What if they hate the new book? What will I do?
And how weird is this...one of the women with the business next door just left. Her husband is on a liver transplant list, and she told me, "I remembered you said you wrote a book while your husband was sick, so I have been writing one." She's writing a memoir-type book, and wanted to know how to format it.
Thankfully I had my Stage fic (i.e., a safe fic lol) handy and could show her what to do. She's got over 700 pages, since September. o_0
Anyway...I've been horribly distracted from my real work today, alternating between 'Whee!' and 'oh hell hell damn hell damn' and how odd that's been. Just thought I'd write about that (writing is therapy!). Not asking for solutions or help, just pondering what a weird weird position this has put me in mentally.
And also here, a site that apparently is considered one of THE review sites for m/m fiction: A Red-Tainted Silence
Ever since writing this book, I've ridden a bit of a writing and emotional roller-coaster. It came out several years ago, not long after my spouse died. It was written during the very tough year following his surgery (he lived just shy of three years after that), was written with a small group of people in mind and, above all, for myself. For the nine months it took to write it, it was my sanity--literally. Writing Red was the only true escape I had from dealing with a partner who had what came down to be a terminal illness. (I don't want to say more about that time--reliving everything is something I have no wish to do and don't need to).
It is an odd book. First person and NOT exclusive to one POV (though the 2nd pov was not picked up until the day I realized damn, I wrote myself into a situation my point-of-view character couldn't extricate himself from because, um, he was unconscious).
It has two time lines, and alternates between the two. There are alot of characters, and it is about 500 pages long in the final form. Was longer. I also had no real gameplan, no idea what I was doing with it, what it was even about until partway through and if ever a book was written by seat-of-the pants, this was it. It is emotional (overly so) and angsty as hell (given my state of mind at the time, not surprising!), but it has, over and over again, struck chords with readers, with reviewers, and still sells well. (I'm sure to see a nice influx in sales again after this, my Brit friend warned).
The ride has been absolutely fantastic. My love for this book runs very, very deep, I put everything I had into this, and I love that that is recognized, and continues to be recognized, three years later.
But it is also difficult for me, too.
After reading the review, I've been lost in thought. I almost wish I hadn't read it, had remained oblivious to its existence no matter how awesome it is, because after finally finding my feet back on the ground and writing again (with a spin-off to this book), I've hopped right back onto that roller coaster that insists on dipping dramatically into the valleys of fear and inadequacy even as I am zooming atop a new high over the book's new attention.
How the hell am I ever going to make my new book half as successful? I probably won't be able to. I know I won't be able to. I am no longer emotionally-starved, overwhelmed and exhausted, no longer living on the edge of life or death of my world--all those things I poured into writing Red.
In other words, I am happy, healthy, well-loved, okay a little overwhelmed but what single parent isn't?, and well-loved (yes I said that twice), and as a result, though I haven't written much since Red, I am very much NOT the person who wrote that book.
THANK THE MOON AND STARS!
In terms of ebooks, and more specifically m/m fiction, I have written a book that is a continual good seller (hesitate to say best-seller). It does really really well, and will continue to do so, it looks like. Reading all these comments, I feel very distant from the person who wrote that book. No, I *am* distant. So, the expectations expressed for 'Carolyn Gray's next book' have knocked me off my feet. Again. I'm starting to question whether writing a spin-off was a good idea, whether writing anything else under the pseudonym Carolyn Gray is a good idea. (I know, I know, it is silly...but is it?)
It's just a strange, strange position to be in, to know that the best book you've written (for this genre) is already written. I know I won't be able to top this book, and that will disappoint a lot of readers who love the first one. And yes, it is VERY weird to be writing this. "It's just m/m fiction, not anything amazing, or important or anything." Sure that is true, I know it is true, but to those who read it (oh the fan letters I get!) it has proven to be very important.
Not sure what the answer is, though far greater writers than me have pondered the question: What if they hate the new book? What will I do?
And how weird is this...one of the women with the business next door just left. Her husband is on a liver transplant list, and she told me, "I remembered you said you wrote a book while your husband was sick, so I have been writing one." She's writing a memoir-type book, and wanted to know how to format it.
Thankfully I had my Stage fic (i.e., a safe fic lol) handy and could show her what to do. She's got over 700 pages, since September. o_0
Anyway...I've been horribly distracted from my real work today, alternating between 'Whee!' and 'oh hell hell damn hell damn' and how odd that's been. Just thought I'd write about that (writing is therapy!). Not asking for solutions or help, just pondering what a weird weird position this has put me in mentally.
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(no subject)
Date: 2010-01-13 10:19 pm (UTC)I remember ... you always talked about Red in a kind of "this was my most emotionally charged situation, and I will never reach that again, and so any other book cannot be as good as this one."
I still have to read the Gulls fic - and I will. I enjoyed your H/D - this is how met, after all! So you can successfully write other stories - there is proof! And, this is just an idea, but maybe your idea that you couldn't successfully write other things is one reason why you had such a hard time finishing another project?
I won't let them!
You won't. You will do everything in your power to write a good book. All you have to do is write and not forget to love writing.
&hearts
(no subject)
Date: 2010-01-14 02:51 am (UTC)YOU ARE RIGHT! I forgot about that! indeed how we met. I need to find that story! I lost it when my computer was stolen. What fest was that, do you remember?
Am allowing myself today to be thoughtful and wallowy, but tomorrow it is back to work.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-01-14 09:42 am (UTC)Don't be scared. It won't hurt. :-D
You shouldn't lose your stories! But you're lucky that I'm a little obsessive-compulsive when it comes to saving data. Here's the link:
http://community.livejournal.com/hd_holidays/89595.html
And it is in my folder of "a fic to remember" - not every story gets in there.
I just read it again, and I still like the premise of Draco being stripped of his magic. It's one of the scenarios I love seeing explored, and I love how you described Draco's feelings at his loss. And Arthur was done extremely well, too.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-01-14 06:58 pm (UTC)See sometimes I forget about that psychology-brain of yours!
I reread this this morning as I didn't have to get to work. Oh my gosh, how did I forget about this story???? And a NEville one too--I will put both safely in my new laridaes lj. LOL I found 3 typos--two real blatant ones, plus a sentence poorly worded. Fixed that.
Thank you for the reminder that I was NOT bereft entirely of writing back then--those were the only two things I wrote that year, but I like them both very much. I'd been to Twin Peaks not long before writing that and it was so beautiful and peaceful!
And...there were two comments I never saw. I will answer those. Tracked it just in case... you never know!
(no subject)
Date: 2010-01-15 03:57 pm (UTC)And I'm glad you saved those stories. They are worth it.
*hugs*