Hello

[paragraphs]

I miss writing here, I honestly do. I keep meaning to start up again, but every time I begin a post, I end up deleting it. Think there is just too much going on in my mind right now to put it out there completely to the world at large. My solo life here hasn't been setting well with me lately (especially since Nick was here and gone again), but am taking steps to try and shake that up, get out and meet more people (via Nano, and also next Saturday night going to a drumming circle event in Arlington). It isn't easy though. I think the emptiness of my house gets to me (though my son is still here but he's busy with school and work and his own life, you know?) and I can't shake the feeling that this is my life from now on. Really hate the quiet of my evenings, and tend to just go to bed so the next day will start sooner.

So general stuff:

Doing Nano, but am using it more to finish the edits on IMBM, and rewrite Wayward, which has a new cast and new title, and a new destination once completed. Sci fi thriller--am finding it a lot of fun to twist words and rework things to increase the thrill factor. LOL. Learning, always learning. Also for sheer fun have started a mystery series idea that seized me last week.

Spent most of the weekend away from the house. Sorry puppies...last weekend I didn't leave the house at all.

On IMBM, I pulled it from my publisher. Many reasons for doing so, and it was a risk, but five months, almost six, had gone by without a contract, very little contact with my editor, and frankly, I kinda snapped during GRL (which was amazing and wonderful). I have a new home targeted for it but am currently putting it BACK where it was set originally, but was convinced to change it to a US setting. Other things going on made me want to move on but honestly? The main reason? I don't feel like I belong there. I don't write and don't want to write the kinds of stories that they want. I've just grown into a different writer over the years.

What else? Work is going well. My boss is appreciative and very nice, lots of fun to work for, though the work itself is very challenging and demanding. I feel sometimes I take stupid pills... a couple of times last week I did X instead of Z, only realizing afterwards what a dolt I was. I mean, seriously. I cannot screw this job up - still have a week bit of nervousness about being good enough to do this. It is almost two years now - Dec. 20th - since I got fired. Winning my unemployment case definitely helped, but that little wee bit of fear it will happen again is still there. Possibly always will be (and likely why I am so damn hard on myself).

Dogs are being escape artists lately. Maddox, that is - there is a pit bull two houses over, and he hears that dog, and wants to go see him so he digs and pulls at the planks, breaks through the fence, goes through a neighbor's back yard and messes with the pit bull. A bit scary, that - the dog is a nice dog, thank goodness. I don't trust Maddox, ever. I'd hoped by the time he reached 5 he would settle down and be a good dog but nooo... his curiosity is too high, and he views any blockage to his quest for freedom as an obstacle that must be surmounted. Scares me.

Anything else? Besides my struggle to stay (happy, is what came to mind, hmm) keep life on an even keel, have put myself back on the health bandwagon. Am tired of saying "just need to lose 15 more lbs!" and am doing it. So far so good, am doing the hardcore diet I did a few years ago when I lost all the majority of weight.

Um... I will be so glad when the election is over. I've never been so nervous about an election, ever. I voted on Friday, daughter voted absentee, son is voting after class on Tuesday. Yeah, nervous about the outcome. Quite so.

And once again, my fingers hover over the delete key. Will post this time though, I guess. Guess I had more to say than I thought?

Comments

[used_songs]

If you ever feel like visiting SA, we will show you a good time.

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

I would LOVE to visit you guys! If something festive is coming up that would be fun to drag a friend around, I would so do it. :) (plus would love to meet your puppies!)

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

Hang in there! :-)

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

Feel much better today. It was nice to wake up to sunshine (though I will hate going home to the dark).

[hisfuturewife.livejournal.com]

I have been doing the delete thing a lot myself. I have something all typed out and feel like everything I wrote is just worthless! The one positive of no backyard in an apartment Lucy has to go through the front door or find a way to jump of the balcony. Dogs are so goofy that way! Good luck on your diet, I know those can be so hard to stick to.

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

Oohh you should post it all! Feelings while pregnant are fun to look back at someday.

I am doing well so far. 8 lbs. down already but granted, 6 of those were from the diet's 'loading' nature. But still, back on track and going down and feeling better.

[sabriel75.livejournal.com]

♥

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

:) Hey you...

[lukita.livejournal.com]

I'm mostly not here either, but I love your doggy stories.

Weight loss, I'm not sure what diet you're on, but I always thinks that exercises is the way to go, walk, lift weights. Twenty minutes a day only keeps you healthy, if you want to lose the weight, you need to do more than half an hour each day.

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

That is what I am lacking actually - is the weights part. I have a wonderful treadmill I love, and a bicycle on a stand in the kitchen. Pretty much the diet is clean foods, and paying attention to what the heck I am eating. Not counting calories either - more along the lines of eating 2 scrambled eggs (free range, from my co-worker), two pieces of lovely fruit a day (time for my grapefruit actually), eating something every few hours, eating high-quality free range meats only (chicken and bison and fish and shrimp) and lotsa veggies. The biggest thing I've done is rid myself of grains and breads and such. I've always known I do better without them all but OMG BREAD. I LOVE IT SO.

[disco-mouse.livejournal.com]

Yea, the elections have me very nervous. So much at stake. D: I've been to Texas but never your town, is it bad politics there?

You may be beyond writing groups but that is a great way to meet people. And poetry readings, free concerts.

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

It is interesting politics here. The dynamics have changed a great deal in this city and I am eager to see what happens. We have a large Hispanic population and a large African American population - quite honestly? The huge church down the street from me has pulled in families to be a part of that church. When I voted I was a minority (racewise), and am in my neighborhood too. I love the diversity here, and it is just growing and growing and growing. I have high hopes for Texas to move dramatically closer to being a swing state this next election. Also though, there is a rather deeply-rooted conservative population here - the Southwestern Baptist Seminary is a big part of the city, and then there is TCU...

It is just all going to be amazing. Yes, it is like this state will go Romney, but, times are changing, changing hard and fast. My fondest wish is that we boot our damn governor out of here next election. I can't stand him.

[valancy-joy.livejournal.com]

maybe we can all hold hands on teh internets tomorrow night. ugh.

hang in there darlin' ...

HEARTS

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

I know, sometimes when you tweet about the lonelies I just want to jump through the monitor and join you for a movie and to snuggle your cat. :(

[valancy-joy.livejournal.com]

and likewise I want to come through the monitor and cuddle with your puppies. or be mauled by them. puppy pile! :)

sending some extra happy your way. I've got lots right now for whyever. *sprinkles happy petals*

<3

[catsintheattic.livejournal.com]

I love reading your posts and hearing from you, so don't you dare and go deleting your stuff.

But I know what you mean. I often find that so much is going on that I would need an essay to explain it all. And then, instead, I forego posting - again.

I can't shake the feeling that this is my life from now on.

This. So much. I still feel like I don't want to go out. But at the same time, all the time at home and alone makes me feel so old. I want to go out and have fun, but I don't want to go through the trouble of new people. But all the old ones are busy with their family lives. And that's mightily frustrating. So I stay home and cuddle the cats (and love it!), but what else is there? Or shall I go and aim for being a crazy cat lady already?

I admire how easy you move between all your different writing projects and how you manage to stay true to yourself. I still feel like my writing energy is dragging terribly. So I started to re-activate my creative writing posts in the hope to spark my writing mojo. More Brenda Ueland. More writing. I want it so much and I miss it. Also: trying to implement regular writing times in my day. It isn't easy, with my irregular working schedules whenever there is a course.

But no! No complaining. No deleting. Maybe we always think that we have to be shiny, and hence delete too much? Let's be real and there instead! ♥

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

Yes, there is that shiny thing. I should, no, shall try to post more. It really helps and I feel so much love from you and the others who commented. What set me off, weirdly enough, was listening to old music that I hadn't in awhile, that I associate (or at least my stupid brain does) with very happy things, things that are over, or changed, or whatever. I seriously had to turn off my itunes and watch a show - lol picked SPartacus. OH MY. *blink blink*

And yes - it is hard to get out. I am SO DETERMINED to go to this drumming circle thing next Saturday but it will be so HARD to get myself to go. I know no one - no wait, one lady, and the guy who invited me though I have yet to meet them in person. I want to do something for the sheer joy of noise and sharing.

I hate the lonelies. So much. Am fine during the day but it is at night that it really sucks. Having Nick here, very briefly, made it worse - it just feels so good to have someone there to do things with, you know?

I need a roommate. LOL After my son leaves, I am going to have to try to find someone, I think. Maybe. RISK! EEEK!

[catsintheattic.livejournal.com]

Shiny is highly overrated. But I guess it's our generation; we've been taught not to complain, and so we rather shut up than share.

I'll be thinking of you on Saturday and send you energy vibes! Enjoy that drumming circle, bb!

I've been thinking about going to dance events, Five Rhythms is something I really enjoy. And I might do that, and stop going to the dojo. The mood is so low there, and it just doesn't get any better. I still like the moves, but the bad mood is a real deal-breaker.

I'm so used to being lonely, have been living on my own (apart from two years in shared flats) ever since I moved out of my parents'. But in the last couple of years, I've "lost" too many friends to moving away or founding a family. I miss girlie evenings with a movie, a chat and tea on the sofa, a walk in the park - stuff like that. I miss laughing together when it's not over the internet or a phone. I miss falling in love - not so much with a particular person, but with life. And it is sometimes easier with company. Having an intern (who now continues to work for me on a day-to-day basis) actually helped (after a first adjustment period when I had to get used to sharing my office and flat with someone for more than two hours a day, lol).

A roommate, really? That would be quite the adventure, wouldn't it? As a student I lived in a shared flat twice, but the experience was not what I hoped it would be1. I like to imagine how awesome it would be to have an incoming stream of friends staying on my sofa one after the other, lodgers for a few weeks or so. I'd like that.

[pir8fancier.livejournal.com]

Glad you didn't delete. I've found that if a publishing entity doesn't want you, then they won't put any energy into promoting you and it's better to pull that sucker and find someone who loves it.

I've done my own weight loss thing this year and I feel so much better. I still have that pesty last ten pounds, but I will get there. It's really just accepting that you need balance in your life. That one cookie won't kill you, but forty cookies is a problem. Enjoy the cookie and then reach for an apple if you're still hungry. I'm eating more fruits and veggies that I have, EVER, in my whole life. My blood work is "excellent" and I have had any heart episodes in a year. So, yeah, it's working and I mean to keep things working properly.

Girlfriend, you need something that gets you out of the house two nights a week. Take a class in something. Writing is a lonely business at best.

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

Omg that is FABULOUS!!! I tell you, this kid intends to do all she can to live a long healthy life. I am so glad you found something that works.

And...the kicker for me was seeing the head editor and her asking 'When are you going to send something new in?' I may just have stared at her. AAHHHHH!!! I have other opportunities, and an invite to submit to a publisher I would love to write for. It is time for a change, definitely.

[http://users.livejournal.com/lindalee_/]

I've really missed your posts! So glad to see you post here... there's no need to delete... no need to censor yourself... you're a pretty important presence here in lj-land!

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

I wish you weren't so far away...why do all the cool peeps live in Dallas? :)

[http://users.livejournal.com/lindalee_/]

Aww... I was actually just thinking the same thing, wishing you lived in Dallas!!

♥

[mightypretty.livejournal.com]

I know how you feel about writing here (hence my absence for a stupid amount of time!) but it's good to have you back. Always takes a while to adjust to new things, I hope it gets a bit easier for you love. Drumming circle event sounds awesome btw! ;)

Good luck with the diet love! I will be rooting you on, I really need to get on it myself and stop procrastinating!

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

I have been doing great but today did have birthday cake. It was amazing, am glad I had it, and won't eat anymore though half is left. Treats are good! I can now be strong and good for the rest of the week. YEAH.

I saw you posted recently too!

[fictional-one.livejournal.com]

If Aubrey and I asked you to be Colton's godmother would that cheer you up?

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

Do you know how much I love you guys? Seriously. I would be HONORED. I was going to demand to be an aunt at the very least regardless.

:)

Colton, huh? WHat happened to Horton? :) :)

[fictional-one.livejournal.com]

Well, that settles it then. Godmother you shall be. Honestly, you're the only person we trust with the job.

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

Let's see that means presents, and flying up there now and then (oh darn), and and more presents, and... yeah. LOL.

[hisfuturewife.livejournal.com]

:D This child will not be spoiled at all!!! lol