Sometimes there is no winning....

[paragraphs]

Interesting that I had that subject line already. This family of my spouse's really takes the prize. All those women are out to stab each other, and now my BIL's wife has decided to pull me into the fray too, by giving my MIL all the emails I wrote about Kel. Ah yes, I confided in Nanciann alot there for awhile...some time ago. I was angry, and rightfully so--and it is, gee, kinda normal when you lose a spouse to get mad at them. And I was, gloriously so. I told Nanciann (she called me at work to tell me she and Jim were done with us as well) to go for it. If she felt like she had to do that, she wants to hurt the MIL that badly, then go for it.

The thing is, she fails to understand the relationship I have with my MIL. We give each other hell and get over it as we kinda know what is important in life--whatever I told Nanciann, was expressed by me on our long drive back and forth to Amarillo. Enough, at least, to know that Nanciann's action, while they hurt, sure they do, will not destroy me, or my MIL. Yes, my MIL holds her dead son on a pedestal. Is that not normal though? He WAS always the one who did things for her, took care of her, etc. The other two did not. Jim (Nanciann's husband) disappeared for years on us, before Kel ever got sick. And while he was sick, he never knew--not until the day he died.

So now Nanciann has decided to play this game, but I have already smacked it in the bud. She wants to hurt and punish my MIL, but my MIL is stronger than she seems. Sad, it is all sad, I think. Whatever, have a nice life, Jim and Nanciann. We won't feel much different here--they've hardly been around since Tiff was born anyway.

Carolyn

Comments

[elbavolnu.livejournal.com]

{hugs you very tightly} Another chapter, that's all it is.

[klgrem.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[pir8fancier.livejournal.com]

Wow, with relatives like these, who needs enemies?

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

Yeah, indeed. The thing is, my MIL has doen some stupid stuff--yeah, she sure has. She is a real doozy. But on the other hand, she is truly not a bad person. I think the saddest thing is that she and her youngest just never were close. She waited nine years after Mary was born to have her son, and he was everything she wanted and longed for--then she got pregnant again. I know she didn't want to have another baby. I've known Jim since he was 16, and I know that I am shocked that he was on his own by 16... She hadn't the greatest mothering skills with him.

Frankly, I'm tired of them all, but I do not take my responsibility to my kids' only living grandmother lightly. She and I have always gotten along, even politically--lol standing up to Kel and his insistence on Bush, she and I roared and voted for Kerry--that was greatness. She is from a different era in her attitudes, and yet embraces such topics as homosexuality with openness. She wants Obama for President. (Yet she still calls him colored...ahh!). She's a woman with two feet in two different eras, really. She doesn't do too bad though for a 74 year old.

IN any case, she says she has no intention of reading whatever Nanciann feels like she has to drop off. I told her to if she wanted--it won't contain any surprises, though I know that is what Nanciann wants. She wants to hurt my MIL and hurt her bad, but MIL is amazingly tough on that count--she just doesn't care about Nanciann's opinions anymore, and views this as spiteful jealousy. I guess maybe it is? I don't know what triggered it, and it doesn't matter.

And like I said--it won't be any different. They were in this city for six months before we even knew they'd moved here.

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

People are amazing, aren't they? I tried very hard for too long to be neutral, and as I told Nick--it is sometimes just simply impossible. My MIL was quite aware I was trying to stay that way just in case things worked out between them, but she also knows Ipretty much gave up before Christmas. I did, too--Nanciann and I haven't talked since thanksgiving, or before rather. I just gave up, I have more important things in life to worry about, and MIL and I pretty much had already decided it was flogging a dead horse to keep talking about it. Nanciann was horrified I agreed to go with MIL to Amarillo, that I was stupid even and how could I stand to be with that bitch... I dunno, had a great time actually, and look forward to going back for Thanksgiving as they've invited us. Tiff lol is horrified--WHAT? LEAVE JESSE THEN? FOR HOW LONG?? Just a couple of days... LOL! Sillies. There's a side to this family (the most normal side, I think) that the kids should meet.

[elbavolnu.livejournal.com]

In some other persona of myself I'd hate this said Nanciann, but the way it sounds, maybe they'd strive off that? Best thing to do is try to not let it phase you (which it appears that may be your intentions on doing regardless). Sometimes we walk into sliding glass doors when we have our heads down, but pretend no one saw it happen and you can go about it like it never took place. May be a little harder in this situation...but it's only natural to be uneasy about things.

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

Oh it is an interesting position to be in, let me tell you what. It can suck a person dry, trying to stay neutral and fair--guess that has been taken from me now, the decision on 'whose side' to be on made for me. That is fine. LIke I said, it won't change anything as it stands right now. I simply refuse to be cruel to my MIL as Nanciann seems to want to be. I refuse to do that to anybody. It is better to just walk away, I think.

So, what is done is done--MIL says she can't wait for her bonfire, LOL!!! I told her to wait and I'd come over and help her. I'd really like to see these emails, myself. Would Nanciann tweak them? Maybe. I honestly am not positive she wouldn't try to dig the screws in tighter.

OY!

[klgrem.livejournal.com]

Jesse could always go with, right? Needs to know what he's getting himself in to. ;)

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

I do feel better after getting right on the horn and telling MIL what Nanciann was planning to do. I flat out told her what I thought was in the emails... I also know I wrote alot of that stuff some time ago, when I was very angry still at Kel. Very. I've pretty much moved past that feeling about him now. There were lots of good times we had, and I know it is much better and happier to think about those times, long before he got sick. Going through grief is very different for everyone--mine was mostly based in the fields of anger, I think. Now, I can acknowledge that I loved him very much. But also do not feel guilty that I don't love him anymore, nor did I ever love him as I do someone now. Smile.

REcently I lost a bracelet I'd work for 13 years, given to me by him and my family. I have put it on every morning, taken it off and placed it carefully every night. Just before Christmas, it disappeared. I blame the puppy, who likes pretty things. Smile. Anyway, it is a curious thing--that constant reminder of The Family and its bindings is gone. I thought I would miss that bracelet, but I feel a strange and wonderful freedom on that arm. Like a shackle has been lifted and release...it is gone, my anger is gone, my guilt is gone. Buried and done with, somewhere in the backyard, perhaps. Should I find it again, I would put it in the china cabinet, and stay shackle free.

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

LOL, that is what I say!!!

[elbavolnu.livejournal.com]

A sign. I like to believe in those things...those "signs". At first it's scary, but in the end you find a comfort in your lifestyle away from the things you grew with.

Glad you found a love greater than love.

XOXOXO

[momebie.livejournal.com]

Oh hon, I am so sorry. *snuggles*

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

Ahh, the odd thing is Nanciann called and left another message, and this one really was weird. She left it for the MIL who wants me to come listen to it, as now MIL is just flumoxed. I am too, will listen to it later, but from what MIL has told me (and I am sure she is honest on this given I will listen to it later) that it is a message that basically is "well Jim called MY father on Thanksgivign AND on Christmas so THERE." Hmm. (He is in Iraq). I just am shakign my head now. DRAMA!!! It has drained the day from me though, dammit. I escaped for lunch to Subway though and spent a relaxing 45 minutes reading The Pope's Rhinoceros. Finally had enough peace and quiet to concentrate so I could get into the story. Took awhile! LOL. Now I wish I could just curl up and read the day away and forget about this crazy family and their problems.

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

Thank you XO to you too.

[sunhawk.livejournal.com]

Wow, that was pretty damn low and petty of her! *HUGS* Some people have serious issues!

[nocluvok.livejournal.com]

((((HUGS))))

Let's face it, relatives ARE harder to ignore than the Pope's Rhinoceros.

You could kill her with kindness.

Perhaps part of the drama is a result of stress brought on by Jim's deployment. Just a guess, but he isn't exactly around to absorb the brunt of her anxiety and frustration. Perhaps she doesn't have anyone she feels could possibly understand what she's going through. Perhaps she just doesn't know how to ask without seeming weak.

By any chance is she going to family support group meetings? Jim's unit no doubt has one. Kathy wasn't thrilled about going at first, but it does help to be around people who know exactly what she's going through.

Might be grasping at straws here, but rather than fan flames, you might call and ask how she's doing. I suspect everyone enquires about Jim and she feels left out.

Easy for me to say, I know. I don't have to deal with her reaction or lack of one as the case may be.

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

I don't know, I am guessing she is crazily stressed, too. I just don't know. Your guess is definitely as good as mine--I think I will have to really think about whether to call her, since she was so intent on hurting me too and I don't know why yet. No telling, but I am so sick of the drama I could scream.

Loved your post about your parents, it was beautiful. I love seeing older couples who actually look at each other like that across a table, it makes me smile. I hope they can enjoy many more years together, Kevin.

Happy Anniversary-almost to you guys too.

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

YEah, I think so. I'm really over being hurt, as MIL and I had a long talk tonight about everything, and it was quite good. My MIL has some amazing sense about alot of things (and not so in a whole lot of others) but this one truly blindsided us both. She'd stopped talking to them when the Christmas checks were returned, and I hadn't talked to them since before Thanksgiving, except to Nanciann in email. She was gone for the holidays, and that was fine...now this? Oddly, it might be a possibility that the SIL is involved, telling Nanciann stuff that she's fabricated, or not, either way I dont' know. She is yet another puzzle to this whacked pie.

[nocluvok.livejournal.com]

*blush*

We're not quite there yet. Got another year and a half till we hit 25 together.(married anyway)

Kathy and I got married shortly after I graduated from Advanced Individual Training and shipped off to Germany. Mom and Dad didn't know until the deed was done.

Mom has already made plans to have us 'married proper like' (her treat) in a church when we hit the big 25. Too funny. Course, I kept kidding her that it was about time she and dad finally made me legitimate. (even though I was before the big event)

As far as the family issue goes, do what feels right to you. It's easy to 'help' when one isn't in the line of fire.

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

LOL you are so funny to tease your mom like that. Love it.

Yeah, for now I will leave it all alone. It is very disappointing though, that is for certain. But like I said, they pretty much have kept away from us the majority of my kids' lives, too. Nanciann has never understood why I stuck beside (and still do) my MIL. THe reasons are endless, and my business not Nanciann's, frankly. Shrug. I'm not into justifying myself to people (as you know LOL). I reach a point and just give up on people and that is that.

[nocluvok.livejournal.com]

I got my sense of humor from my mom so it's only fair I give a little back every now and then. I told my neices and nephews the diesel fried chicken story for good measure too. Poor Kelsey (she's 12)was laughing so hard I though she was gonna wet her pants.

And yes, I know, sometimes it is better to just remove oneself from a situation when there is just no way of resolving the issue. Perhaps she bumped her head and thinks she's Marie on 'Everybody Loves Raymond.' Another whack might bring her back to her senses. *G*

[sunhawk.livejournal.com]

From reading your other comments, it sounds like stress/anxiety added with SIL creating paranoia is making her literally nuts. It's like she's trying to get first blood before anyone can hurt her first @_@ CRAZY!!